Life begins at Fawlty? Or The 39 Stops!

Evening Strumpets,

As I was walking along the path to My Mother in Law`s house on Christmas Day just gone, I took a moment to look around and have a bit of a reflection on what this Christmas meant to me. The snow lay on the Ground, my breath misted causing a fluorish of crystaline as I exhaled, and the Sky was the blue God saw when he breathed life into the clay.

This was to be my Fourth Christmas since Mam died, and possibly (in fact very probably) the last Christmas the kids would both really experience the real "magic" of the Day. I figured it was about the third Christmas Morning on which I had woken to discover a white Christmas in my life. Then I thought, so how many haven`t I? And that`s when it hit me.

I had experienced (in one form or another) forty Christmas Day`s in my lifetime.

Now if you`re of an age where you`re tutting and thinking, "forty, you`re nowt but a bairn lad" then apologies, but what you have to realise is that somewhere there has been a mistake. You see, I`m actually only 22. Possibly 25 at a push. I`ve only just left Senior school, about seven months ago. Nearly forty? Christ I must have missed that meeting.

As an aside, it is with great pleasure that I tell you that My Senior/ secondary school was called Hustler. Yes that`s right, I gathered my fundamental understanding of French/English Literature/Music and Maths from a School named after a porno Mag. We shared a Campus with Readers Wives 6th form, Razzle & Fiesta technical College and St Bizarre Sex Dwarves.

That`s not really true. but my school was called Hustler.

How on earth am I Forty this year? Where`s that time gone? More importantly, how do I get it back? My neighbour has a theory of time speeding up the older you get. He has a four year old Grandson. A year to the little lad is a quarter of his life. It`s a 70th of the old boys.

Somebody once described our time on Earth to me as being like a toilet roll. The nearer you get to the end, the narrower the roll, the quicker it goes. you can insert your own toilet gag`s here. Go on I`ll wait for you..........right, are you done? OK, shall we carry on.

Then of course I think about where I`m at. I`m nearly Forty. I`ll have outlived Jesus by eight years (and a fact which even the most ardent of atheists cannot dispel, I`ve helped create two miracles in my lifetime). I`ll be the same age as Lennon when he was asked if he would sign Chapman`s copy of Double fantasy. I`ll be the same age as Basil Fawlty (In the SECOND SERIES). Dad hadn`t met me when he was forty (though he didn`t know it then, I was having a ball of a time: Bdumtisch Aaaythenkyew), and Mam had known me for about a year, inside and out.

But then I think, if I could have seen myself now being forty when I was twenty, apart from thinking when did I find the time to eat all those pies, would I be happy? If I could see me with my amazingly beautiful family, doing what I do for a living, Living where I do, still in touch with my closest friends of nearly thirty years, and their equally amazing and beautiful families (well nearly as amazing and beautiful). If I could see me doing the gigs and festivals, even playing a bloody banjo, then? Well, I think I`d have been pretty damned happy.

Here`s a song which I hope sums it up. (Man I looked pretty good with that beard).



Till the next one, learn something new,

Mark.

New and Old.

Evening strumpets,

I`ve posted a version of these two "things" on here previously, but here`s a couple of updated versions.

Not at all sure how this should be spelt.



Words and "tune" for this, previoulsy titled "Dante Wicked", but now called "Take my Hand"



Let me know what you think.

Till the next one, learn something new,

Mark.

Odds and Daft Sods

Evening strumpets,

Here`s a couple of vids from the last couple of weeks adventures.

First one is The Alice Charmers, channeling a Mungo Tom and Jerry vibe.



next up a solo slot from a gig at Doc Browns on the twentieth of Jan 2011.



Hope you like.

Till the next one, learn something new,

Mark.

More Strum und Drang!!!!!!!

Evening Strumpets,

Grace has passed her latest swimming grade on her first attempt! We`re so proud of her, and we were told that tonight would be a "play" night for the kids, as it was their last session, and they had all tried really hard. For the past twelve weeks myself and several other parents have sat by the side of the "learners" pool, where there are seats, and you can get a view of how your kid is doing. The other seating area, beside the "big" pool is around a corner and as a result it is not possible to see how they are getting on.

This has been fine, despite the kids having problems at times, not one parent has done anything to divert them from the swimming instructors. We have sat there for eleven weeks. Eleven. No diversion whilst lessons going on, in fact more chatting between Mam`s and Dad`s about more important things, like the snow, and Christmas, and, bizarrely but lovely too, getting dressed up as vampires for Gothic weekend at Whitby! One of the Parents is a Vicar for Pete`s sake (or whatever you want to call Him).

So we all arrived this evening, and sat whilst awaiting the instructor. I noticed two different faces there, a couple of older people with a little girl who Grace had befriended. In my most typical Northern English way, I raised my eyebrows and smiled whilst mouthing "alright?"to them, to which I got the token Northern reply of eyebrows counter raised with a smile to accompany.

It was at this point that the evening went sour. We were sat there as the session was about to start when a bloke in his mid forties, shaved head (not that`s a bad thing, just setting the scene) Local Council inscribed black T-shirt tucked into his Local Council inscribed black Shell suit bottoms (as pointed out in last paragraph, just trying to let you get a picture of him) came over. Half smiling he said "Sorry Mams and Dad`s, I`m going to have to ask you to leave this area, youre not allowed to sit here whilst sessions are on" See the important words there. "I`m going to have to ask you" as in "It`s not me, it`s just the rules" as in " we were only obeying orders" Yeah I know how extreme that sounds, but I`m still smarting, and hopefully as I go on you`ll see why, so bare with me.

When I said that we had been sitting there for the past eleven weeks, he gave a similar smile and just said "Don`t know how that`s been allowed to happen, mate" (I never crudely swear on this blog, it`s a rule I gave myself, because as daft as it sounds I like the idea that my kids and Grandkids etc can check out how the old man was, but I`m really close at the moment. "mate" "MATE!!!!!!!!", and yes I know I`m a bugger for open/close Brackets, whatchyagonnadoo) "but it`s not allowed, you`ll have to move to the designated areas" he could have gone on "where you can`t see your kids", but he didn`t.

Now it`s here where I really got upset. because the aforementioned older people were the little girls Grandparents, who the little girl had specifically asked to take her for her last session so she could show them how good she was. Her older Sister is possibly swimming for the County, and she wanted them to see how well she is doing. She`s six. They told Mr Jobsworth this, can you guess what he said? it`s even worse than that, he said nothing and just smiled that "I wish there was something I could do" smile and pointed to the designated seats.

I`d love to tell you that i stood up to him and said "let them stay, it`s only fair". I`d love to say I had a word with him afterwords voicing my disgust in his appalling interpersonal skills. But the reason I didn`t is because what I would really love to tell you is that I picked him up by his pathetic uniform and frogmarched him to the deep end and threw him into it.

But I`m a person who understands (professionally and personally) how the human body and mind works. I know what chemicals were swirling around my body at that time, just as I know that feeling the way I did would have resulted in me saying something which would have resulted in Grace probably being barred from the Swimming lessons, and getting a black mark against her name for any other Pools. And that Bastard knows that,(More brackets, i`ve allowed myself that one) and his Power trip would have been complete.

We stood on the other side of the pool so we could still watch the kids. remarkably Jobsworth didn`t say a word, but I think that`s because he could feel the rage within the group. He wouldn`t even look over at us as he sat where we weren`t allowed to.

Apparently the reason we aren`t allowed to sit there is because in the past Parents have disrupted lessons by having a go at the instructor or shouting for their kids to try harder. Of course I knew this already, I`m not an idiot, but we`d been allowed to sit there for eleven weeks, without an incident, despite a couple of times which we wish we could have.

If you`re reading this and you are a Jobsworth, go away, I don`t want you here, this isn`t the place where people like you can play. If by a remarkable twist of fate, you`re reading this and you`re the jobsworth I`ve been discussing, tough, I hope you are! I`ve done enough risk assessments in my time, I know I`ve covered myself with enough anonymity (including your appearance and my kids swimming level)to prevent any comeback on yourself. You should be ashamed of yourself.

And now I can relax. Thanks for putting up with this rant, but as a result of my profession, I know that I needed to let it out, otherwise, well, that way darkness lies.

As an example of what real humans are capable of. Enjoy!


and now I feel much better.



till the next one learn something new.

Mark

New Tunes for your perusal.

Evening Strumpets,

Here`s a couple of things that I`m working on at the moment. I got a great new capo for Christmas and it`s a million miles ahead of the (basically) pencil and elastic band that i had previously been using. The capo is on at the third fret, and I just think it makes the guitar have a nicer sound.

The first one is a tune, which I currently am working on words for (got the melody). It`s a bit of a race to the end, but once I get some words in there it should calm down a bit.



The next one is about the possibility that the person you met the night before, and were sure that would be the future husband or wife, turns out not to be quite how you remember them. there`s a couple of different verses being worked on, but it`s pretty much the way it will end up I think



Hope you like them, you can also see what I`ve recorded at Audioboo by googling it and I`m called (surprisingly) thegreatnorthstrum. All one word.

Till the next one, learn something new,

Mark.

A Kick up the Eighties.

Evening strumpets,

The other night I just could not sleep, and for why I hear you ask (not out loud, obviously, that would be a little strange). because someone had said on the Telly that the Eighties was a "shit decade".

Well Dearly Beloved, I`m here to tell you (if you`re hearing that the way I`m intending you to, you`re on my side already, if not, bear with me)They were wrong.

The Eighties were a most excellent Decade. Scorsese saw it in with Raging Bull and waved a tear stained handkerchief to it with Goodfellas, whilst inbetween introducing us to King of Comedy, After Hours, and still one of my favourites, the Last Temptation of Christ. For every Ishtar there was a Reds or Rain Man, Eddie Murphy hadn`t made Norbert yet, but he did make 48 Hrs, Trading Places (and ,quite brilliantly, there was a pause button on the Video for lads of a certain age to pause "That Scene" you know what I`m talking about ahem) and The immortal Beverly Hills Cop. Steve Martin hadn`t made Sergeant Bilko, but he did make The man with Two Brains, Dead Men Don`t Wear Plaid, Roxanne, and of Course Planes Trains and Automobiles.

It was the decade of the best two Star Wars films, and the Indy Trilogy. ET made us laugh, cry, whoop then cry again, but this time with Joy. And "Who you gonna call?" You know the rest.

Yes Mark but the music was rubbish. Cue a large Klaxon sound because YOU`RE WRONG!!!!! It saw the birth of The Cure (As goths anyway), Happy Mondays, The Smiths, REM, and of course the God like Pixies. It saw bands like U2 and Queen reach new pinnacles and artists such as Prince and Kate Bush thrive. It was the decade that saw Duran Duran, Madonna, Falco and Terence Trent Darby and Spandau Ballet give us perfect pop songs, before they disappeared up their own arses.

Boys from the Black stuff, GBH were delivered by Alan Bleasdale. Morse reinvented a tired Genre whilst Black Adder, The Young Ones, Fry and laurie, and Red Dwarf continued our Nations impeccable Comedy throughout.

It was the decade which saw us Feed the World, Run the World, set up Comic Relief, and The Wall come down. It was the Decade I met my bestest friends many of whom I still see on a regular basis, and one of whom I have dedicated the accompanying YTClip to. If you were born before 1970, or after 1985, you will not agree with anything I`ve written and i fully expect a lot of feedback dredging up dross from the Decade, but don`t go telling me it was "shit". I was there, and it wasn`t.

For Mr Bowler,



Till the Next one,

Learn something new,

Mark.

Loss, and what to do with it.

Evening Strumpets,

I`ve no idea where this post will end up, but it`s on a subject which has been on my mind pretty much off and on for the past four and a bit years.

You are all aware that I lost My Mam just after Hal was born. Louise lost her Step Dad, just before Grace was born. For the health of our surviving parents we daren`t try for another one.

When I was younger I`d lost Grandparents and assorted Uncles and Aunts, But I was introduced late into my Parents lives, so I kind of expected that this was what happened. But Mam was so alive and so young in terms of looks both inward and out.

As a child of an "older" parent, I can distinctly being kept awake at night worrying that Mam and dad may die at any point. Christ, at that age eighteen looked old, so you can imagine how old a couple in their Forties looked. But I made a pact with God (mine and nobody elses, go and find your own). If he let me be an adult when they died, i`d be a good boy. I wouldn`t swear, I wouldn`t "nick off" school, and I`d make them proud. If I was grown up when it happened a) I would have had loads of time with them anyway, and b) I`d be grown up, and be able to cope with it. This made sense to me at the time.

As I`ve written many times, Mam was always much younger than her years, which was why it was so unreal when she called me (and me alone, it`s a nurse thing regardless of which speciality) to tell me that she`d noticed something unusual, and had been to see her Dr, who had advised her to have a colonoscopy. Could I drive her to the Hospital, and don`t tell anyone because "It`ll be a whole load of nowt about nowt".

It turned out it was something. Something which spread to her brain before we could cut it out of her Bowel. But she still wasn`t old, or broken by it. She`d simply say "It could be worse, what if it was one of me kids." Confined to a wheelchair, her favourite song at the time became "I don`t feel like dancing" by the Scissor Sisters. I didn`t have the heart to tell her what scissor sistors were, but she loved that song. And of course, by a miracle, she got to meet Harry.

Looking at that picture, you might see a very poorly looking old lady. I don`t. I see a woman who should have been dead three months before that picture was taken, and I see why she was still with us in her arms. Look at the pride in her eyes. Incidentally this is what she looked like three months before that picture was taken.

Quick Bastard isnt` it.

The cancer won, and at the time I will freely admit that I did not cope at all well. But Christ how are you supposed to? So to get back to the title of this post, and the main point of writing it, How do you deal with loss?

The truth is you don`t really, you just get better at distracting yourself from it. Distraction is an amazing thing. It`s the number one way to deal with any type of pain, whether it be physical, emotional, spiritual, or whatever. If you`re doing something you enjoy, or keeping yourself busy, you forget you`re in pain. it`s when you stop, or something reminds you that you remember that you`re in pain.

We use distraction all the time, If you`re reading this with a pair of shoes or slippers or socks or whatever on your feet, you didnt realise you had them on, but now i`ve told you, you have been reminded, and can feel them, you`re probably wriggling your toes in order to feel them.

But the loss never really leaves you. It`s there in your dreams when the person is talking to you, and they`re well (but in my experience you know, in the dream, that they`re dead really). Oddly I never find these dreams scary, in fact they`re,usually,quite nice.

It`s there in Birthday parties, Easter, Christmas and Sunday Dinners, where they should be too Damn it! It`s there in my childrens laughs which I swear are the exact replica of my Mam`s, and her mam`s before her. But most of all, it`s there in me. She made me who I am. I can hear her every day in phrases I use, and humour rooted from me.

I miss her. She was and always will be, My Mam.

Here`s a song, in three parts,which i hope helps and makes sense to people who have experienced loss. apologies for quality of sound, My computer is playing silly buggers.



Till the next one, Learn something new.

Mark.

The year of the Charmers.

Happy New Year Strumpets,

I met up with the Dalton boys the other night, and it was a pleasure to play again. We rattled off five or six pretty tight tunes, and then had a mess about, which conjured up a couple of new tunes, always a bonus.

Possible highlight of the night is Andy and Pee Bee Guttenbergs song "Little Ditty". Andy`s playing and songwriting have really surged this last year (even if he needs some convincing of this). I`m playing bass, and I`m a little rusty so apologies for the couple of errors, but Andy played his Banjo through a little portable amp, which resulted in him having a good old fashioned dirty "Ry Cooder" sound. I likie likie!



We`re really going to knuckle down this year and get some sort of set out there. That`s the plan anyway.

Till the next one,

Learn something new,

Mark.