Evening strumpets,
over the past couple of weeks I`ve been asking Facebook friends to send words or phrases which I attempt to make a funny out of. here`s some of my favourites.
Uvula: The uvula is responsible for some of the most guttur language it has been my mispleasure to hear. Some of it is really hard to swallow!
Defenastration: Do not throw homeless dogs out of windows in Paris. if a shard of glass becomes lodged in their ear, you may deafen a stray chien.
Principles: I went to a well known clothes shop, and tried on a pair of jeans, but I couldn`t get them off, I thought well I`m not paying for them, i tried on a shirt, same thing, i thought, I`m not paying for that, tried ona jumper, it wouldn`t budge, i thought I`m not paying for that. I`m always sticking to my principles.
Obstreporous: I was with a group of friends and we were about to go out for a gentle meal, when a group of youths shouting obscenities came around the corner saying they were going for a fu&%$ng curry. A friend ,whom shall remain nameless, as I`m sure I would get it wrong, said he fancied going with the louts, i replied "It depends... on which night out you would fancy. The Yobs trip or us.
"Marky D never knew his Grammar": Ronald Macdonald was the next subject of "who do you think you are" in an excerpt he was seen shaking uncontrollably saying "i know me mom,and,dad:but afterthat; Im stuck" It turns out Maccy D never knew his grammar!
Flippy Wig: whats the difference between Bruce Forsyths flippy wig and Katie Price. One was born in the early eighties, has various stages of orangeness, and is obviously quite false, the others a toupe!
Serendipity: To find happiness and luck in a roundabout way could be described as serendipity. but to find a very strange mustachioed gent on a spring in a roundabout way is serenzebidee
Elephant Juice: A bloke walks into a bar and asks for a glass of elephant juice. The barman asks him what it is, and he says "It`s like stella, but you get more trunk, and you can remember everything the next morning"
Anti-disestablishmentarianism: I went to a local "theme" pub with me mam`s sister where the theme was drinking in Germany in the late Thirties. I was amazed to see all cultures and races drinking in there together. I said to her "Auntie, this establishments Arianism is very poor"!
Bum Fluff: Prince Edward has the nickname "Bum Fluff" as he is as close to pathetic pointless heir as you can find.
Hope at least one made you smile,
Mark.
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Monday, 7 December 2009
Work in progress!
Evening Strumpets,
You may have seen a couple of versions of a piece of music called Cowboy Waltz posted on this blog. Up until now it`s just been a piece of music, but listening to it the other day, for some reason I heard the opening line "I`ve got children, to various women, none of them know my name, it`s true". I must point out this is probably the least autobiographical song written since Ghandi`s Number 1 hit "Fight them All" (In Kenya)!
So, now that I`ve a mic for me computer, I jotted the rest of what came to me head, and recorded it the same night. It has to be said that the guy singing it sounds like a real shit, but that`s just what came out! It`s rough and ready, and will be polished, but I don`t think it`s half bad at all. Please feel free to leave any (constructive) comments, or send me a message via Hotmail, Facebook (type in "the great north strum", hey presto, I`m there), or this blog itself.
Cheers, and learn something new,
Mark.
You may have seen a couple of versions of a piece of music called Cowboy Waltz posted on this blog. Up until now it`s just been a piece of music, but listening to it the other day, for some reason I heard the opening line "I`ve got children, to various women, none of them know my name, it`s true". I must point out this is probably the least autobiographical song written since Ghandi`s Number 1 hit "Fight them All" (In Kenya)!
So, now that I`ve a mic for me computer, I jotted the rest of what came to me head, and recorded it the same night. It has to be said that the guy singing it sounds like a real shit, but that`s just what came out! It`s rough and ready, and will be polished, but I don`t think it`s half bad at all. Please feel free to leave any (constructive) comments, or send me a message via Hotmail, Facebook (type in "the great north strum", hey presto, I`m there), or this blog itself.
Cheers, and learn something new,
Mark.
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Prokofiev-ON THE BANJO!
Evening strumpets,
following on from Silent Night, lets keep the festive theme rolling.
following on from Silent Night, lets keep the festive theme rolling.
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
The wind and the sun.
Evening strumpets,
Today would have been Me Mothers 76th Birthday, so it`s been a mix of sad and happy. This is a story she used to tell me when i was a kid, and one which i tell my children now. For some bizarre reason when I tell this story to my kids, the Wind is Captain Mainwaring, and The Sun is Sergeant Wilson.
The Wind and the Sun were having a chat. The Wind was telling the Sun all about how strong he was. "The other day I blew a roof right off a house, It was brilliant." The Sun looked on smiling and said "Do you really think that that is a true test of strength?" "Of course it is" replied the Wind. "Those humans are terrified of me, and my temper." "Again", smiled the Sun "People being afraid of you make`s you strong does it?" The Wind frowned. "Sometimes Sun, you are such a bloody Hippy." he said, rather unkindly. "Let`s have a bet. I will prove to you how strong i am. See that man down there, on that path?" The Sun nodded. "I bet I can get his coat off his back! I bet you Fifty pence!" The Wind, for all his bluster was very mean with his money. "You`re on." said the Sun.
The Wind took a deep breath, and began to blow. The man walking along the path felt the wind, and fastened the zip on his coat. The wind took another deep breath and blew again, this time harder. This made the man fasten the buttons on his coat. the Wind, who up to this point was beginning to feel rather foolish, took the deepest breath of all, and blew as hard as he could, but this resulted in the man only pulling his coat tighter into his body. Exhausted, the Wind fell, puffing and blowing in a heap. At this point, the Sun Looked at the Wind and said "You big daft bugger. Can you not see that the harder you went in without thinking, the more the man fought. That wasn`t true strength. This is true Strength!" and with that the Sun smiled to herself And SHONE!!!
The man feeling warmer let go of his coat. The Sun continued to be herself and just shone, the man unfastened his buttons, and unzipped his coat. The Sun let out one last beam, and the man, sweating like a bothered pig by this point, removed his Coat. The Sun looked over to the Wind and said "There`s no need to go in shouting and blustering, and hoping to get things done. Just be yourself and shine." the wind sneered threw fifty pence at the Sun and said "Go and buy some Lentils, Hippy. I`m off to blow the roof of some buildings!" The Sun looked after him and smiled. That Fifty pence would buy some pretty sweet Tea Tree incense sticks.
Apologies to my Mother for the changes added by myself when telling the story to my kids.
Miss you Mam,
Mark.
Today would have been Me Mothers 76th Birthday, so it`s been a mix of sad and happy. This is a story she used to tell me when i was a kid, and one which i tell my children now. For some bizarre reason when I tell this story to my kids, the Wind is Captain Mainwaring, and The Sun is Sergeant Wilson.
The Wind and the Sun were having a chat. The Wind was telling the Sun all about how strong he was. "The other day I blew a roof right off a house, It was brilliant." The Sun looked on smiling and said "Do you really think that that is a true test of strength?" "Of course it is" replied the Wind. "Those humans are terrified of me, and my temper." "Again", smiled the Sun "People being afraid of you make`s you strong does it?" The Wind frowned. "Sometimes Sun, you are such a bloody Hippy." he said, rather unkindly. "Let`s have a bet. I will prove to you how strong i am. See that man down there, on that path?" The Sun nodded. "I bet I can get his coat off his back! I bet you Fifty pence!" The Wind, for all his bluster was very mean with his money. "You`re on." said the Sun.
The Wind took a deep breath, and began to blow. The man walking along the path felt the wind, and fastened the zip on his coat. The wind took another deep breath and blew again, this time harder. This made the man fasten the buttons on his coat. the Wind, who up to this point was beginning to feel rather foolish, took the deepest breath of all, and blew as hard as he could, but this resulted in the man only pulling his coat tighter into his body. Exhausted, the Wind fell, puffing and blowing in a heap. At this point, the Sun Looked at the Wind and said "You big daft bugger. Can you not see that the harder you went in without thinking, the more the man fought. That wasn`t true strength. This is true Strength!" and with that the Sun smiled to herself And SHONE!!!
The man feeling warmer let go of his coat. The Sun continued to be herself and just shone, the man unfastened his buttons, and unzipped his coat. The Sun let out one last beam, and the man, sweating like a bothered pig by this point, removed his Coat. The Sun looked over to the Wind and said "There`s no need to go in shouting and blustering, and hoping to get things done. Just be yourself and shine." the wind sneered threw fifty pence at the Sun and said "Go and buy some Lentils, Hippy. I`m off to blow the roof of some buildings!" The Sun looked after him and smiled. That Fifty pence would buy some pretty sweet Tea Tree incense sticks.
Apologies to my Mother for the changes added by myself when telling the story to my kids.
Miss you Mam,
Mark.
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Saturday, 21 November 2009
The Grace North Strum (featuring Hal on ToyBus)
My talented kids! all original music, (except for Harry`s contribution).
Learn something new,
Mark.
Learn something new,
Mark.
Friday, 20 November 2009
Christmas ideas...for the partner!!!
Evening Strumpets.
Here`s a list of great/brilliant Auto/biographies to buy Hubby/wifey/partner for Christmas regarding Film`s.
Pimp`s, Ho`s, & playa Hata`s: john Leguizamo. Brilliant.
Hollywood Animal: Joe eszterhaus. Inspirational.
The Godfather Book: Peter Cowie. Informative
Clips from a life: Denis Norden. Funny.
The Kid Stays in the Picture: Robert Evans. If you only get one from this list, get this one, it`s magnificent
My boring ass life: Kevin Smith. If only for the support he gives Jason Mewes story.
Born Standing Up: Steve Martin. This guy is my God!
Easy Riders Raging Bulls: Peter Biskind, Enthralling Seventies/Eighties non-fiction.
Withnails: Richard.E.Grant. As close as you`ll get to movie sets.
If I don`t Write it noone else will: Eric Sykes. Dad shared an office with him. cool.
Very Naughty Boys: Robert Sellars. British Film Industry at it`s best and worst!
Wiseguys: Nicholas Pileggi. Am I here to amuse you. the original gangsters.
Here`s a list of great/brilliant Auto/biographies to buy Hubby/wifey/partner for Christmas regarding Film`s.
Pimp`s, Ho`s, & playa Hata`s: john Leguizamo. Brilliant.
Hollywood Animal: Joe eszterhaus. Inspirational.
The Godfather Book: Peter Cowie. Informative
Clips from a life: Denis Norden. Funny.
The Kid Stays in the Picture: Robert Evans. If you only get one from this list, get this one, it`s magnificent
My boring ass life: Kevin Smith. If only for the support he gives Jason Mewes story.
Born Standing Up: Steve Martin. This guy is my God!
Easy Riders Raging Bulls: Peter Biskind, Enthralling Seventies/Eighties non-fiction.
Withnails: Richard.E.Grant. As close as you`ll get to movie sets.
If I don`t Write it noone else will: Eric Sykes. Dad shared an office with him. cool.
Very Naughty Boys: Robert Sellars. British Film Industry at it`s best and worst!
Wiseguys: Nicholas Pileggi. Am I here to amuse you. the original gangsters.
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Monday, 16 November 2009
This is real!!!!!
Evening Strumpets,
My wife Louise saw this and immediately told me she wants one for Christmas. Click on the image for a good look, It just keeps on giving!
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