This is for you.

Evening Strumpets,

This is for you stood out there in the crowd.  The people who follow live music in whatever form it takes in their local areas.  The people who support and encourage us and make it worthwhile to play with our hearts when we have practiced and performed the same damn song a thousand times, because we know it's the first time you've heard it.  The people who aren't bothered about paying two quid to sit in a dingy squalid room, with three other people because they know that there will always be a special joy in discovering a new favourite band.  This is for the way you tell your mates that you really enjoyed our stuff and that they should come check us out or watch our YT clips.

This is for, amongst others, Simon Rylander, Andrew Davies, Leon Pape, and all of the dinner nannies (The band, not the old ladies called Dot who told you off for farting in the dinner queue).

THANK YOU.

Till the next one, learn something new.

Mark.

EXNE Post 6

The ancient Romans, as opposed to the old Romans, did not understand the concept of pockets. They invented plumbing, roads, and a right clever fancy language, but the concept of a fold of cloth sewn over a Toga eluded them. They kept their coins in their mouths, which is where the phrase, “put your money where your mouth is” comes from. When the Victorians decided to translate the Greek classical plays and Epic poems, they were shocked and not a little disgusted by all the swearing, violence, and general bacchanalia within the otherwise rather lovely verse. In order that the ladies would be able to read them without their heads falling off, they decided to translate the offending passages into French. Hence the phrase ” Pardon my French”. The first advert on ITV was for Gibbs SR toothpaste, John Winston Ono Lennon was assassinated on December the Eighth at ten to midnight, outside the Dakota building in New York by Mark David Chapman, Tobe Hooper directed Poltergeist, and Joe Dante directed Gremlins.

And that my EXNE chums is just a scrape from a fingernail of the trivial information I have stored inside my noggin. How can it be that I retain such useless, valueless, pointless knowledge whilst trying to remember where I`ve put my car keys. As an aside, If useless is without use, and valueless is without value. what is ruthless without? I`ve only ever met one Ruth, and she was lovely. I couldn`t stop myself, I`ve just googled it, and it turns out “ruthe” is a twelfth Century Middle English word denoting mercy, pity, or compassion. Great, there`s something else that`ll be lodged there whilst I`m stood at the front of the swimming lessons queue trying to remember My son`s date of birth (oh yeah, that happened this morning).

The truth is, I know exactly why my retention of superficial fact is primary, whereas important, necessary, vital intelligence is secondary in my tired, addled, and not a little raddled mind. It`s because my Father is Kenneth Davies. He has for many years spoke in a language I issue with the description “Kennilingus”. In the past he has given me nuggets such as “you can lead a horse to water, but you can`t make it bark” and “He who laughs last, laughs lastest”. He is the man who in the past when asked by my Mother to deliver the facts of life speech, sat me down and said “never give them your real name or address”. and left to go and watch Star Trek.

More importantly, and to reinforce my case, for the past twenty years no sentence has passed his lips which has not contained the noun “thing” within it. “That`s him out of that thing”, “So I grabbed hold of the thing”, you get it. A couple of years ago he surpassed himself when he uttered the immortal “You know, that thing with the thing”. Nope Pop, you`ve completely lost me there! But what he doesn`t know about Frank Sinatra, Organised Crime, and Vaudeville could be written in bold on half a grain of rice. I am hurtling towards him at a rate of knots, and I`m powerless to do a damn thing about it.

I look at my kids, Thing one and Thing two, and I witness their learning along with their creativity and it amazes me. It fills me with hope for the future, and joy that the curse of the Davies lineage may finally be broken. As I ponder what their future may hold, a world where cash cards are not repeatedly cut in half because PIN numbers pass through synapses like caster sugar through a sieve. A world where IT departments are not contacted on a regular basis, because Passwords have passed over into the Arhur C Clarke world of the Unknown and Mysterious. It`s at this point that Thing Two informs me that she can name every Moshi Monster, whilst thing one is stood scratching his head wondering where his homework has gone. Circle. of. Life. (Written by Elton John and Tim Rice, sung by Carmen Twillie in “The Lion King”).

Till the next one, learn something new, (and important)

GNS.

EXNE post 5.

Evening Strumpets,

Here's the next EXNE thingamajig.

I`ve never met a Welsh Nurse. Statistics will, and I`m about 63% certain of this, prove that they exist. but I`ve never met one. I`ve worked in health for fifteen years, and aside from Nerys Hughes in that BBC thing that used to be on a Sunday, I have yet to see or have a chinwag with a Cymreig Matron.

I`ve never seen a cheerful Bus Driver, similarly apart from Reg Varney in “On the Buses”. Again I can hear the Cries emanating from your goodselves, as you make a case that our Uncle Terry was a bus Driver, and he was funnier than two dutch pigs clog dancing in tights!

I can picture the PCs, Macs and LapTops being given a sandblasting of cereal and milk, as it erupts from your chops at the very thought of me not knowing Jacko who drives the Number 24 into Town, who is more cheerful than a day trip to Blackpool in the Seventies. But, at a risk of repeating myself, and by God, I`ll find the seven hundred and fifty words I need to by any means necessary, I`ve never met or seen one.

I never thought I`d ever see a miracle. A proper bona fide good Jack Lord would you just look at that miracle. Don`t get me wrong, in my eyes my children (Thing one and Thing two) are miracles. I can remember when I first looked into their eyes, despite them resembling Sid James merged with Winston Churchill with a touch of Les Dawson licking rat vomit off a Thistle, I knew there was a God. Whatever that God`s called, or looks like Christ only knows, but I knew there was something. But just as much as I knew that, I also knew that they were a result of a chemical reaction dictated by a primeval urge.

Then the other day, I witnessed a true volition of a God. It was, it has to be said, not accompanied by a chorus of Hallelujahs, or by a parade of angels giving it what for on their celestial horns. There was no emanation of light pouring from the ether, forcing me to shield my eyes. It was in a playground filled with kids. All of whom were going to school dressed as their favourite character from a book as it was World Book Day. I`m not sure how many books have Buzz Lightyear or the red Power Ranger in them, but at least the kids got to dress up a bit.

But one kid wasn`t dressed as anyone. He was in his school uniform. He was walking by himself. He was sat by himself. He was alone. That`s when the miracle happened. Harry Potter went over and give him his wand. Ben 10 gave him his watch (or whatever that thing`s called he has on his wrist). A red Power Ranger gave him his mask. They all proceeded to run around the playground, with no rhyme or reason, just making that noise of pure joy associated with kids chasing each other.

I`m 41 this month.

It`s a shame we have to grow up isn`t it?

Till the next one, learn something new, like what that watch Ben 10 wears is called.

Mark

Exne Post 4.

Evening Strumpets,

Here's another Exne piece.

Have I missed a meeting? When did it become a necessity for everything to be done yesterday? What a madness it is which engulfs our species concerning making things happen quicker. When I was a child I thought like a child, but even then I could never comprehend how much of a rush someone had to be in to abbreviate the month “July” to “Jul”. When the World Wide Web initially announced its intentions to deliver knowledge, invention, and free porn sites to the world, I could never understand the longing to call it WWW, a phrase which actually takes longer to say than World Wide Web.

Zeitgeists in health become acronyms. “Yeah I feel really depressed” “Well we have available C.B.T, B.S.F.T, D.B.T, I.A.P.T, or C.A.T” “Sod that, I`ll just keep taking the happy tablets and feeling like a right T.W.A.T”. Celebrities become diminished sobriquets. No longer able to be addressed by their birth names, they become SuBo, JayZ, or JLo, who apparently is also just Jenny from the block. Yeah, and I`m just Chorlton from the Land of the Wheelies. How best to describe the constant half hour celebrity couples with half hour celebrity couple smiles? How about “Ben and Jennifer”? Have you been sniffing glue? That would take far too long to say, or God forbid, (or whoever you should choose to admire) write. Let’s just conjoin and condense, and it truly is a con by, and for, the dense.

And with this, there comes a whole world of rules regarding the abridgements. I was told a story the other day where a girl was sent a text on the day of her Fathers funeral which stated “thinking of you today, lol”. This you can imagine went down as well as a deep fried kebab bun at a Weight Watchers meeting. When she contacted the friend, in tears at her lack of sensitivity, her friend was distraught. Apparently lol doesn`t just mean “laugh out loud”, but also “lots of love”. Her mistake was in not capitalising the words. Who decided that? Who chaired that discussion?

I`m fully aware of the need for a language to evolve. Nobody, and I mean nobody, was more repulsed when anything remotely above average was described as being “genius”. Inside I screamed from the parapets of my blessed soul “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, IT ISN`T. IT`S INGENIUS!!!! GENIUS IS A NOUN, NOT AN ADJECTIVE”! However my internal turmoil never glimpsed the light of day, because I understood. I drive my wife insane, because I have an almost Tourette’s like incapability to let people get away with saying someone “hung” themselves. Actually they didn`t, they “hanged” themselves. Clothes are hung, people are hanged. But obviously when someone is describing a tragic event I do not correct them, well not all the time anyway.

I understand that we do not speak the same language we did a hundred years ago. But at least it is a language, and not just selected highlights of letters within words. We`re better than that. We can do better that, and Christ on a stick with holes in his hands we now have entertainment such as “OMG with Peaches” which merely seems to exist as a result of this phenomenon. Surely that in itself is a reason to go back to spelling and saying whole words, names, groups, therapies and so forth.

What do I know? Sweet FA, that`s all.

Till the next one, L.S.N.

Carry on Camping.

Morning Strumpets,

The Charmers played a set last Friday night at the rather brilliant VolksPower 5 Festival in Redcar.  We'd been looking forward to this for a while, and it really didn't let us down.  The weather was fantastic (a rare thing in Redcar) and the people there were nothing short of lovely and supportive.  We were actually pretty well prepared for this one, apart from in reality, Carl forgot both of his guitar stands, and prior to playing our first song, looked at his guitar and snapped a string!  Andy forgot his capo, Mark forgot to put any petrol in his car, and I forgot to go to the campsite earlier to pitch our tent. Despite all of this we charmed the snake belts off the punters.

I'd also promised Hal a camping night out ages ago, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity.  I have to say that as good as the gig was, staying in a tent with Harry and watching his face as we went backstage as the absolutely brilliant Revolutionaires battered the late coastal night with their Zoot Suits and Rhythm and Blues is something which will remain in my happy head forever.

Here's some pics, apologies for the video which doesn't work in the middle of them all, I'm still learning on this Mac.

Mark achieving his lifelong ambition of being Steve Harris.

Product placement in evidence.

Carl has had enough.

How do we start Longlands again?

Frailing in A Major without a capo, not as easy as it sounds.

Patter.

Carl at the exact moment he snapped a string.

Bass tuning.

Fine Figures of men

Assorted Charmers groupies. (or wives and friends).

Till the next one,

Learn something new,

Mark.

Middlesbrough Football Club Top 100.

Evening Strumpets,

I was trawling back through my email folders when I came upon this from 2007.  It started as a group of bored middle aged blokes (and a wife, more of whom later) sat at work with nothing better to do than come up with songs which contain the names of Boro players Past and Present.  At the time some bloke from Boro, who's name eludes me, had released a version of "Hallelujah" with the name "Mark Viduka" in it.  We thought we could do better.  Louise came up with Number 9.  

Personally I think that Murdoch on the Dance Cloor should have won, but what do I know?

Massive thanks to Simon Mason, Craig Bowler,  Chris Storey, Stuart Loughran, Andy Loughran, Mark Dent, Stephen Didlick, and of course the aforementiond Louise Davies.

100     Ferry across the Merson      Gerry and Terry and Barry 

99       Ziege Stardust and the Spiders from Mars            Bowie 

98       Mow-bray      Sinatra           

97       Merson around  Ray Charles   

96       Hope there's someone          Antony And The David Johnsons   

95       (Tommy) Wright Now          Atomic Gittens          

94       Peake-a-boo   Siouxsie         

93       Williamson it was really nothing     Smiths           

92       Jesus Christie Superstar       God    

91       Liddle Donkey           Bing Crossley

90       Stu (Ripley) missed again    baldie

89       Barmby army            Exploited       

88       Mohan, mohan, mohan         Andrea True 

87       Virjuninho plain        Roxy   

86       Walking Down Maddison     Kirsty MacColl          

85       What Juni'd   The Fall         

84       Downing Albion         Babycham     

83       Jack the Rippers        Nick Cave      

82       (Vi)duka think im sexy         Rod    

81       Golden Brown(lee)   Stranglers     

80       My darling Flemingtine        Huckleberry Hound 

79       What have you done today to make you feel Proud(lock)           Heather Small

78       Hamoré          Dean Martin 

77       (Pat) Cuff dam          Mondays       

76       Putney up putney down, putney feet upon the ground  Some Euro Lass

75       Love her Hedley        Doors 

74       I fought the Law(rence)       Clash  

73       Beck in the USSR       Beatles           

72       Foggon the tyne        Linda's farm 

71       Hey Mickey (Burns)  Toni Basil      

70       The Greenhalgh, Greenhalgh Grass of home         Tom Jones     

69       Is Vickers there?        Department S           

68       Whats it all about, Archie     Bert Bacharach         

67       Moore, moore, moore            Rachael Stevens       

66       Ricard days night      Beatles           

65       Scream if you wanna go Festa         Gerri Halitosis           

64       My Festa,My last, My everything     Barry White  

63       Slaven to love            Roxy    Music

62       Bell'y don’t be a hero           Paper Lace    

61       Platt's Entertainment           Jam    

60       Purple Onion             Johnny Hendrix/Jimmy Hendrie?  

59       Street Hasslebaink    Lou Reed       

58       Dibble Dutch             Malcolm Mclaren      

57       Whoops! I did it again          Britney Pears

56       The Ayresome Street Shuffle/Kavanagh Party     Bruce Rioch And The E

           Street Band  

55       Kernaghan/kerny-can         Golden Earring         

54       Kamara Chameleon  Culture Club 

53       Foggon in the Bushes           Oasis  

52       Chop Souey    System Of A Down   

51       (Ayre)Something      Beatles           

50       Bernie Bennie Hill    

49       Thrills and Mills and Belly aches     Mondays       

48       We're only making plans for Nigel (Pearson)       XTC    

47       A Kinder Magic          Queen

46       Boamward Bound.    Simon And Garfunkel          

45       (Big Mal) Allison        Elvis Costello 

44       Hold on, I`m Cummins.         Sam And Dave          

43       (Alf) Common People           Pulp   

42       Rock n roll Mersonaries        Meat Loaf      

41       Cooper Trooper.        Abba  

40       The living Pears.        Mike And The Mechanics    

39       Wark! (What is it good for?)            Edwin Starr  

38       Ince, twice, three times a lady.         Lionel Ritchie

37       Rickett to ride            Beatles           

36       Cooper Cabana          Manilow        

35       A Hardwick Rains Gonna Fall           Dylan 

34       Proctor Proctor.         Thompson Twins     

33       Maddren World        Tears For Fears        

32       Slaven to Clough       Roxy Music    

31       Return to Zenden.     Elvis   

30       Hendrie red red robin....       Someone Old D

29       Zenden the clowns    Streisand       

28       Schwarzer matta you hey ... Ahh shaddapa you face        Joe Dolce       

27       Riggott here, Riggott now.    Fat Knacker Slim      

26       Boam! Boam! John Lee Hooker       

25       Have you Senior mother, baby        Stones            

24       Everything Mustoe   Those Welsh Fellas  

23       The Souness of Silence         S&G    

22       Here comes Gib-son  Beatles           

21       It must be Clough.     Madness        

20       Green fields of francq           Mendi Couldn’t Hang           Chris

19       Kelham o Rigby         Beatles           

18       Maddren (Maddren, they call him Maddren)       Madness        

17       Eat It   Weird Bosco Jankovich        

16       Hand in Glover          Smiths           

15       Schwarzer feeling     Irene Cara     

14       Living in a Bocsic       LIAB   

13       FreeBaird       Skynard         

12       Xavier told you lately that I love you.         Rod Stewart  

11       Cattermole lotta shakin` goin`on     Elvis   

10       Downing the tube station at midnight.       Jam    

9          Hignetty         Deacon Blue  

8          All we hear is ....Radio Arca   Queen

7          Hickton California     Eagles

6          Mr Gloverman           Shyabba        

5          How Sounness Now  Smiths           

4          Crazy Horsfield          The Osmonds           

3          Murdoch on the Dancefloor Sophie Bextor           

2          Uwe know its Christmas.      Bandaid         

1          Hammo time  MC Garry Hammo     

Till the next one, Learn something new,

Mark.

One day your name will be in lights.

Evening Strumpets,

Mark Cubitt, who is a chap I haven't spoken to since we were at 6th Form College in the late eighties was at the Doc Browns gig the other night and managed to get a couple of pics sent to me.  

We also managed to get our headlining name on the poster which still resides in the window of the boozer.  

Bottom right 4PLAY poster.  Honest!

Carl questions the term "headlining" as he feels that only Glastonbury or Isle of Wight festivals warrant such a grandiose term.  "What we're doing is playing after everyone's gone home" or words to that effect is what the most cheerful of charmers told me.

Carl doing his happy Rose West impression.

Here's Mark's pics of the night.

Thanks Mark, it was a great night.

Till the next one, learn something new,

Mark.

EXNE column 3.

I`m pretty certain that I can pinpoint the moment we decided to breed a Nation of idiots. A Nation where more people vote in the modern day PT Barnum that is Simon Cowell`s Freak shows which are, of course, “X Factor”, and “Britain`s got problems” than vote in a General Election. A Nation where fellow modern day J. Bailey, Jeremy Kyle, has made a very good living parading modern day curiosities to the scandalized hooting public. Car crash TV? Bad rash TV more like. Annoying, ugly and spreading everywhere.

That moment was November 30th, 1979. What could have happened on that date? Was there an accident where a chemical spill released a toxic gas which diluted male sperm resulting in devolution to Neanderthal times? No, that would be insane. Did an alien species come down in a stealth like manner and brain drain the population? No, if only it were as simple as that? Surely a crack in the Earth`s Crust caused by North Sea Oil drilling didn`t pollute the water system, resulting in a physical deformity called “mouth hanging open, whilst tongue resting on lower lip Syndrome”? No, I`m afraid it was worse than that. Pink Floyd released “Another Brick in The Wall” on a 45 RPM single.These University graduates, from privileged wealthy backgrounds decided to harp on about how “We don`t need no education.” Firstly, THAT`S A LIE BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? YES WE DO!!!! Secondly, it should be “We don`t need an education.” If this wasn`t bad enough, the bridge to the chorus had the daft old bat yelling “HEY, TEACHER,LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE!” This was where it started.

All over Britain this mantra was being planted into pregnant wombs, cradled heads, toddling brains, and worst of all adolescent schema via repeated plays on Radio 1, and on Thursday evenings through Top of The Pops on BBC1. This is where the seed was sown.
The next thing you know, Schools are being ran by the kids, because they don`t need no education, that bloke who`s made millions told them so. A kid tells a teacher to “fuck off” in class. Hey, teacher, leave that kid alone. A teacher keeps a group of kids back, because they`ve enjoyed being little gets the whole lesson. You can`t do that Teach, you`ve got to let them keep spoiling the lesson, because they don`t need no thought control!
I was in the town the other day and a seven year old girl was with her Dad. He looked harder than Chinese algebra, and was holding her delicate hand within his cabbage like appendage. The girl had a T-shirt on with two painted handprints over her chest. Written on the back was the legend “Jail Bait”. I wonder if this could have been avoided if there had been some “dark sarcasm in the classroom?”

Similarly a bloke was watching my daughters Under 9`s football game last year wearing a T-shirt with the motto “The only job I want is a blow job” on the front of it. I`d love to say I went and told him that this wasn`t the place to be wearing something like that, but the scary dog he had hold of was looking at me like I was a bowl of Pedigree Chum covered in cat flavoured Bonio`s. When the match finished, he picked his daughter up, Who`d been playing in the game and took her home. And so it goes on.
Right, that`s your lot, I`m off to go and watch Loose Women tell me what to think, whilst drinking a bottle of WKD and eating some Turkey twizzlers.
Till the next one, despite what Pink Floyd tell you, learn something new.

Mark.

That's all Volks!

Morning Strumpets,

The Charmers played an absolutely barnstorming set at Doc Browns in Boro the other night.  WE intend to do the same at this next Friday (the 12th).  Hopefully going to be getting some film of it which I'll post later.

Till the next one, learn something new,

Mark.