Middlesbrough Football Club Top 100.

Evening Strumpets,

I was trawling back through my email folders when I came upon this from 2007.  It started as a group of bored middle aged blokes (and a wife, more of whom later) sat at work with nothing better to do than come up with songs which contain the names of Boro players Past and Present.  At the time some bloke from Boro, who's name eludes me, had released a version of "Hallelujah" with the name "Mark Viduka" in it.  We thought we could do better.  Louise came up with Number 9.  

Personally I think that Murdoch on the Dance Cloor should have won, but what do I know?

Massive thanks to Simon Mason, Craig Bowler,  Chris Storey, Stuart Loughran, Andy Loughran, Mark Dent, Stephen Didlick, and of course the aforementiond Louise Davies.

100     Ferry across the Merson      Gerry and Terry and Barry 

99       Ziege Stardust and the Spiders from Mars            Bowie 

98       Mow-bray      Sinatra           

97       Merson around  Ray Charles   

96       Hope there's someone          Antony And The David Johnsons   

95       (Tommy) Wright Now          Atomic Gittens          

94       Peake-a-boo   Siouxsie         

93       Williamson it was really nothing     Smiths           

92       Jesus Christie Superstar       God    

91       Liddle Donkey           Bing Crossley

90       Stu (Ripley) missed again    baldie

89       Barmby army            Exploited       

88       Mohan, mohan, mohan         Andrea True 

87       Virjuninho plain        Roxy   

86       Walking Down Maddison     Kirsty MacColl          

85       What Juni'd   The Fall         

84       Downing Albion         Babycham     

83       Jack the Rippers        Nick Cave      

82       (Vi)duka think im sexy         Rod    

81       Golden Brown(lee)   Stranglers     

80       My darling Flemingtine        Huckleberry Hound 

79       What have you done today to make you feel Proud(lock)           Heather Small

78       Hamoré          Dean Martin 

77       (Pat) Cuff dam          Mondays       

76       Putney up putney down, putney feet upon the ground  Some Euro Lass

75       Love her Hedley        Doors 

74       I fought the Law(rence)       Clash  

73       Beck in the USSR       Beatles           

72       Foggon the tyne        Linda's farm 

71       Hey Mickey (Burns)  Toni Basil      

70       The Greenhalgh, Greenhalgh Grass of home         Tom Jones     

69       Is Vickers there?        Department S           

68       Whats it all about, Archie     Bert Bacharach         

67       Moore, moore, moore            Rachael Stevens       

66       Ricard days night      Beatles           

65       Scream if you wanna go Festa         Gerri Halitosis           

64       My Festa,My last, My everything     Barry White  

63       Slaven to love            Roxy    Music

62       Bell'y don’t be a hero           Paper Lace    

61       Platt's Entertainment           Jam    

60       Purple Onion             Johnny Hendrix/Jimmy Hendrie?  

59       Street Hasslebaink    Lou Reed       

58       Dibble Dutch             Malcolm Mclaren      

57       Whoops! I did it again          Britney Pears

56       The Ayresome Street Shuffle/Kavanagh Party     Bruce Rioch And The E

           Street Band  

55       Kernaghan/kerny-can         Golden Earring         

54       Kamara Chameleon  Culture Club 

53       Foggon in the Bushes           Oasis  

52       Chop Souey    System Of A Down   

51       (Ayre)Something      Beatles           

50       Bernie Bennie Hill    

49       Thrills and Mills and Belly aches     Mondays       

48       We're only making plans for Nigel (Pearson)       XTC    

47       A Kinder Magic          Queen

46       Boamward Bound.    Simon And Garfunkel          

45       (Big Mal) Allison        Elvis Costello 

44       Hold on, I`m Cummins.         Sam And Dave          

43       (Alf) Common People           Pulp   

42       Rock n roll Mersonaries        Meat Loaf      

41       Cooper Trooper.        Abba  

40       The living Pears.        Mike And The Mechanics    

39       Wark! (What is it good for?)            Edwin Starr  

38       Ince, twice, three times a lady.         Lionel Ritchie

37       Rickett to ride            Beatles           

36       Cooper Cabana          Manilow        

35       A Hardwick Rains Gonna Fall           Dylan 

34       Proctor Proctor.         Thompson Twins     

33       Maddren World        Tears For Fears        

32       Slaven to Clough       Roxy Music    

31       Return to Zenden.     Elvis   

30       Hendrie red red robin....       Someone Old D

29       Zenden the clowns    Streisand       

28       Schwarzer matta you hey ... Ahh shaddapa you face        Joe Dolce       

27       Riggott here, Riggott now.    Fat Knacker Slim      

26       Boam! Boam! John Lee Hooker       

25       Have you Senior mother, baby        Stones            

24       Everything Mustoe   Those Welsh Fellas  

23       The Souness of Silence         S&G    

22       Here comes Gib-son  Beatles           

21       It must be Clough.     Madness        

20       Green fields of francq           Mendi Couldn’t Hang           Chris

19       Kelham o Rigby         Beatles           

18       Maddren (Maddren, they call him Maddren)       Madness        

17       Eat It   Weird Bosco Jankovich        

16       Hand in Glover          Smiths           

15       Schwarzer feeling     Irene Cara     

14       Living in a Bocsic       LIAB   

13       FreeBaird       Skynard         

12       Xavier told you lately that I love you.         Rod Stewart  

11       Cattermole lotta shakin` goin`on     Elvis   

10       Downing the tube station at midnight.       Jam    

9          Hignetty         Deacon Blue  

8          All we hear is ....Radio Arca   Queen

7          Hickton California     Eagles

6          Mr Gloverman           Shyabba        

5          How Sounness Now  Smiths           

4          Crazy Horsfield          The Osmonds           

3          Murdoch on the Dancefloor Sophie Bextor           

2          Uwe know its Christmas.      Bandaid         

1          Hammo time  MC Garry Hammo     

Till the next one, Learn something new,

Mark.

One day your name will be in lights.

Evening Strumpets,

Mark Cubitt, who is a chap I haven't spoken to since we were at 6th Form College in the late eighties was at the Doc Browns gig the other night and managed to get a couple of pics sent to me.  

We also managed to get our headlining name on the poster which still resides in the window of the boozer.  

Bottom right 4PLAY poster.  Honest!

Carl questions the term "headlining" as he feels that only Glastonbury or Isle of Wight festivals warrant such a grandiose term.  "What we're doing is playing after everyone's gone home" or words to that effect is what the most cheerful of charmers told me.

Carl doing his happy Rose West impression.

Here's Mark's pics of the night.

Thanks Mark, it was a great night.

Till the next one, learn something new,

Mark.

EXNE column 3.

I`m pretty certain that I can pinpoint the moment we decided to breed a Nation of idiots. A Nation where more people vote in the modern day PT Barnum that is Simon Cowell`s Freak shows which are, of course, “X Factor”, and “Britain`s got problems” than vote in a General Election. A Nation where fellow modern day J. Bailey, Jeremy Kyle, has made a very good living parading modern day curiosities to the scandalized hooting public. Car crash TV? Bad rash TV more like. Annoying, ugly and spreading everywhere.

That moment was November 30th, 1979. What could have happened on that date? Was there an accident where a chemical spill released a toxic gas which diluted male sperm resulting in devolution to Neanderthal times? No, that would be insane. Did an alien species come down in a stealth like manner and brain drain the population? No, if only it were as simple as that? Surely a crack in the Earth`s Crust caused by North Sea Oil drilling didn`t pollute the water system, resulting in a physical deformity called “mouth hanging open, whilst tongue resting on lower lip Syndrome”? No, I`m afraid it was worse than that. Pink Floyd released “Another Brick in The Wall” on a 45 RPM single.These University graduates, from privileged wealthy backgrounds decided to harp on about how “We don`t need no education.” Firstly, THAT`S A LIE BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? YES WE DO!!!! Secondly, it should be “We don`t need an education.” If this wasn`t bad enough, the bridge to the chorus had the daft old bat yelling “HEY, TEACHER,LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE!” This was where it started.

All over Britain this mantra was being planted into pregnant wombs, cradled heads, toddling brains, and worst of all adolescent schema via repeated plays on Radio 1, and on Thursday evenings through Top of The Pops on BBC1. This is where the seed was sown.
The next thing you know, Schools are being ran by the kids, because they don`t need no education, that bloke who`s made millions told them so. A kid tells a teacher to “fuck off” in class. Hey, teacher, leave that kid alone. A teacher keeps a group of kids back, because they`ve enjoyed being little gets the whole lesson. You can`t do that Teach, you`ve got to let them keep spoiling the lesson, because they don`t need no thought control!
I was in the town the other day and a seven year old girl was with her Dad. He looked harder than Chinese algebra, and was holding her delicate hand within his cabbage like appendage. The girl had a T-shirt on with two painted handprints over her chest. Written on the back was the legend “Jail Bait”. I wonder if this could have been avoided if there had been some “dark sarcasm in the classroom?”

Similarly a bloke was watching my daughters Under 9`s football game last year wearing a T-shirt with the motto “The only job I want is a blow job” on the front of it. I`d love to say I went and told him that this wasn`t the place to be wearing something like that, but the scary dog he had hold of was looking at me like I was a bowl of Pedigree Chum covered in cat flavoured Bonio`s. When the match finished, he picked his daughter up, Who`d been playing in the game and took her home. And so it goes on.
Right, that`s your lot, I`m off to go and watch Loose Women tell me what to think, whilst drinking a bottle of WKD and eating some Turkey twizzlers.
Till the next one, despite what Pink Floyd tell you, learn something new.

Mark.

That's all Volks!

Morning Strumpets,

The Charmers played an absolutely barnstorming set at Doc Browns in Boro the other night.  WE intend to do the same at this next Friday (the 12th).  Hopefully going to be getting some film of it which I'll post later.

Till the next one, learn something new,

Mark.

Black Sheep

Evening Strumpets, 

here's a vid of a song I have written which I have since added slide guitar and harmonica to.  Not sure whether anything will become of it, but hey ho,

You want the wool, you got to find the black sheep

You want the wool, you got to herd the black sheep

You want the wool, you got to shear the black sheep

You want the wool you got to get the black sheep.

You got sawdust in your mouth

your shoulders are in pain

You push it all from your head

but it just comes round again

You've dirt under your nails

and oil under your skin

you spend your long days working

cos you know you're born from sin

There's people in their pulpits

and there'e people in their fields

there's people in confession

and there's people on their knees

You know theres types of praying

but you aren't doing neither

just because you talk to heaven

it don't make you a believer

The black sheep they all know it

cos they all do it too

the black sheep they don't fear it

they don't need the gospel truth.

Till the next one, learn something new,

Mark.

Happy Fathers Day! As if?

Evening Strumpets,

My good friend and fellow charmer, Mr Andy Dalton has gone into my Blog spot, and assured me that the glitches that had previously ruined the flow of my, ahem, writing, has been fixed.  So here is a story that should hopefully make you smile on the day we assign the pride of being a Father in the United Kingdom.

I have started jogging again, well I say jogging but it’s more a case of walking and jogging over a 4Km route.  The other night, Friday it was, I was out jogging when I went past a wonderfully coloured card on the pavement outside a local Primary school.  It was addressed to Asif, and contained on the cover a brilliantly designed tie.   I carried on jogging, and then a momentary lapse of being Knackered grabbed me.  How much effort had this kid put into this card, and how much would they be gutted when they realised that they had lost it.  Then I thought, how would the Dad feel?  I went back and picked it up, within it’s gatefold was a detailed letter from a young girl describing just what a brilliant Daddy Asif was.  I loved the details in the drawings, and the way the kid described the joy of having Asif as a Dad, so I picked it up and brought it home.

I posted photos of the card on my Facebook page, and asked if anybody knew how I could get the card to the Father? Overwhelmed?  Is the Grand Canyon a ditch?  I got the name and year group and school of the kid, but alas no address.  I went to bed and posted a reminder.

I woke up this morning and had a person reply to a post stating they knew the family.  Fantastic, I sent the person my personal mobile number, and thought “we can do this.”  They still haven’t replied.  I took my daughter to her football practice on the field, which adjoins the school, and went around every one of the kids playing asking if they knew the kid, and more importantly their address.  Loads knew the kid; none of them knew her address.

I came home, and alongside all of the wonderful compliments on Facebook unfortunately there was no further ideas for the address of Asif.  I realised then that I would have to reconcile myself with the knowledge that Asif would get the card on Monday, as I would take the card into the school that morning on my way into work.

I went off to Asda to buy our wine for the evening and whilst in aisle 22 I received a telephone call from a lad who now lives in Rotherham telling me he had contacted his Mother who still lives in Boro, and had asked her if she could help.  It just so happened that an Asian party was going on next door to her and she, God or Allah Bless her went next door and asked if anyone knew of the family.  It turns out that a lady did, and not only could name all the family members on the cards, but HAD AN ADDRESS AND WOULD BE ABLE TO GET THE CARD THERE TONIGHT!!!!!  Chris passed on this ladies address.

I went round, and there was nobody home.

I went next door and holding a homemade card in my hand rang the doorbell.  It was answered by a lad who initially looked at me like I was a white guy in a pair of shorts, with a dodgy beard, who looked like Jack Black, and had a handmade card in his hand.  But again whichever deity takes your fancy, he allowed me to explain and said that next-door were out at a party and he would wait until they came back and let them know.

I gave him my contact number and asked him to call me when anything had happened.  I then drove home and had Marksy’s Paella, with their boiled potatoes and lots of wine.  We watched The Voice, and joy of joys at nine o clock the lad called me to tell me Asif will be waking up tomorrow with his fathers day card on a tray brought up by his daughter.

This is what we are capable of.

Till the next one, learn something new.

Mark

Story of a Dreamer.

Afternoon Strumpets, I've finally found out that it wasn't my computer that was cattle trucked, it is in fact the blogsite. There's something obviously in the settings, which I can't for the life of me find, which does not allow for paragraphs, so it reads like a constant stream. If anyone has an idea on how to fix this then please let me know. I have been sent a CD by the chaps at Nouvelle Musique by one of their bands, James Auger and the Natives, and asked to write a review. The CD is called "Story of a Dreamer" and is a collection of songs written by James and Robert Auger (I'm guessing they are related.) Opening track "Intro" is an interesting instrumental piece, with a chant reverberating throughout which sets the tone nicely for what follows. "Look up at the sky" has a melody which you are sure must have been lifted from something else, as it immediately feels both familiar and fresh. It hasn't, at least as far as I know. At one stage it reprises the chant from "Intro", which I was again sure I had heard before. It was only on second listening that I realised that I had. This is a similar story throughout the Album. The more upbeat "Looking for a home but I'm coming up short" is a nice change in tempo, and allows a little commentary at the end, which had the added bonus of convincing me I was experiencing some form of psychosis. Stand out track "The days fade quicker than you think" has a vocal and violin arrangement which would make the hardest diamond soften to putty. And it's here that I have my gripe about the CD. It's the packaging. No information regarding any of the musicians involved, and handwritten titles, which although aesthetically pleasing, realistically had me convinced that one of the tracks was called "Smugster's Hymen"! It's actually called "Smugster's Hymn", which explains a lot. "Driving home" is as anthemic as this collection gets with the best chorus on any of the songs. It passes the old grey whistle test, or rather the middle aged really dark brown with flecks of white whistle test "Between a Rock and a Hard Place" I have to admit left me a bit cold upon the first couple of hearings, but it's a grower and is now officially on my jogging playlist. Once you've heard it you will be able to guess the pace I jog at. "Story of a Dreamer, part 1" is the most rounded musically and the longest song on the album. It even has a lovely little bit of banjo throughout. I'd love to tell you who is responsible for the plucking but alas, oh well I've already had that whinge. It has a coda which I absolutely love, and still am not tired of hearing. "The Devils Daughter" is reminiscent of mid sixties Kinks with it's electric guitar, and has one of the best vocals I've heard in a while. Final track "Sinner in rapture" is a plea to be returned home, and leaves you feeling upbeat and content having enjoyed the journey with James and whoever else is in the band (Yeah I know) following a lovely choral outro. I would highly recommend this CD to any of you Strumpets. Melodies, rhythms and lyrics which would sit in any music lovers collection with the comfort of a blanket bought on the day you were born. You can get it here https://www.facebook.com/jamesandthenatives/info, and upon looking at the page I have been given the JOY of gaining a list of the band!!!! James Robert Francis Auger - Main Vox / Guitars / Organ / Harmonica Ian Dixon - Bass / Backing Vox / Percussion Jordan Swain - Drums / Percussion / Harmonica / Backing Vox Mina-Kate Jackson - Strings / Violin Justin Shirran - Guitars / EFX / Backing Vox No news about the banjo player. Bloody typical. Till the next one, learn something new, Mark.

Afternoon Strumpets, I have a new computer, so hopefully I can be posting more frequently. Here's a tester for the iMac. Till the next one learn something new. Mark.

New songs and that.

Evening Strumpets, here`s a couple of rough demo`s of new songs, you have to click on the title to play them and not the massive orange "play" icon for some reason. Not long before we get the new Apple and I can put this stuff on proper like and that. Till the next one learn something new. Mark.